The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 07/29/2003, 04:14 p.m.
trigger trigger everywhere, but not a chance in hell
Music: nothing, but i wish the NBC soundtrack
my increased daily reading of pro-ana and pro-mia blogs, communities and websites isn't being healthy for me. one site talked about remission, it feels like that for me. and on some level i would like to post this out loud, where anyone and everyone can read about it. but then again, it doesn't really matter.
i'm tired.
right.flight.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 07/25/2003, 03:21 p.m.
holiday for myself
Music: Front 242 - Modern Angel
i made it to canada with little to no problems. things have been really good.
then why have i picked up a sick fasination with ana. not doing, but reading. i've been looking at livejournal links and communities. its unsettling in one glace, but something makes me look again and again. its that will power to fast for 41 days or the bravery to do the 2-4-6-8 diet. i'm constantly amazed that these people (mostly women) can do that.
i know there are pro-mia sites that i could look at, but i don't want that. i feel saver staring at the pro-ana sites instead. after all, i'm not likely to get away with ana, so i won't be triggered into it. but i could get away with purging, so best not to get into that. i don't know.
i tried to explain it to my SO, but somehow all i could come up with is it is like watching a train wreck. but it isn't. it isn't awful. but it is. i'm not sure. blargh.
don't ask me. i'm crazy remember.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 05/26/2003, 10:41 a.m.
sometimes. . .but only sometimes
Music: my computer humming
last week was. . . will it just was i suppose. i was too stressed out and things just seemed to snowball. it would have been more fun if:
- my SO was in better shape and we could have walked about more
- i was 25 and could rent a car to drive to other towns
- i didn't get deflicted judgement on the state of my SO's health
- i didn't get steamroller by my SO because for the first time in this nearly two year relationship i wasn't docile
for much of our relationship we've just been voices on the other need of the phone. its a lot easier that way. because when i don't want to talk, s/he more that makes up for it. i just let her/him talk until i get sleepy, then say goodnight and go to bed. easy. i hardly ever direct the conversations. hell, i even have to okay my plot lines for my stories with him/her. so it isn't very often i stop being a door mat.
i can't be a door mat any longer. and if s/he is going to get angry any time i disagree with him/her then its just going to be a huge mess.
and i hate to say this, but i upsets me greatly how s/he throws around his/her privilige. apparently i'm just going to have to get use to that. if nothing else, i've learned that people with privilige don't change because those without ask for it.
and damn it, i have more life experience that s/he does. and that just seems to piss him/her off even more. hey, i'm the one pulling up my roots and moving. what about a little fucking respect for what i'm doing here?
it could be that i'm blowing this out of scale. but you know what, it is mine to blow up. i am fucking tired of being the only mature adult in this relationship. its cool on the phone, but if we're going to make it work, something has got to give. and from my point of view, i've given a hell of a lot.
it hurts to say this (or type it), but part of me have huge misgivings about this. i know it takes work, but it feels like this drone is going to drown in it.
in other news, i'm going to start jogging again. i sorta mess it. i know my dog would like it. the walks are fun, but she needs a good run. she's at the kennel right now. damned memorial day, can't get her until tomorrow.
i am thinking about going showing tomorrow for a few basic things i'll need for the trip and the move (like tupperware with lids, what an idea). to le target i go.
i'm hoping that with the stress gone and the move down with i'll feel better. surer. stronger? and perhaps my SO will change. s/he is young. not just in age. and it can be hard to grow up with your family stops it. then again, boys are often immature. opps.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 04/30/2003, 08:35 p.m.
oh, they always come back
Music: Disturbed - Rise
seems like things have been quiet for a while, i wonder if they really have been. my SO and i are fine, but there is a huge wall in front of us. getting to ____. oh sure, i have the job, but so far not the place to live. i can't begin to say how much i'm trying not to be a drama queen about this. but at the same time, i feel that s/he isn't seeing just how important this is.
sure, s/he is very sweet with offers to help me pay rent and doesn't seem to see where that is a sticky situation for me. thinks it is a problem of pride. it isn't. . .mostly. its a problem of prinicples. i'm a feminist. one better, i'm a radical feminist. so, i'm suppose to allow his/her privlege to take care of my lack there of? yes, throwing money at this situation will make it go away, along with my ability to have those principles that say his/her privelege is wrong and ought to be spread to everyone.
here is what is even worse. i'm so willing to throw them away if i can just live in the same city as him/her. i don't know whether i should be really pissed off at myself for feeling that way, or feel encouraged that i feel so strongly for someone. but so strongly that i'm willing to toss out the baby with the bathwater? shit.
so, naturally i'm fixing this problem with food. and old favorite, homemade chex mix made the the microwave so that it is somewhere between soggy, crispy and chewy. throw in some beer and we've got the 5 food groups covered. i'm sure, other than the beer (high in carbs) atkins would approve. hell, there's 6 tablespoons of butter in this. don't know why i don't just eat the butter. fuck me.
whatelse. . .whatelse. . .i don't know. just fuck.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 03/18/2003, 07:49 p.m.
frustration is the leading cause of computeraside
Music: boingo - spider
i feel like crawling into a hole and dying. i don't know how to explain this. very thing feels like it is unraveling.
my SO promises that everything is fine, that s/he would tell me if things weren't settled for him/her. but i keep thinking of a tori amos song. so much that i'm going to post the lyrics.
I can feel the distance getting close
You're right next to me
But I need an airplane
I can feel the distance as you breathe
Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
How can I when you build a great wall around you
In your eyes I saw a future together
You just look away in the distance
China decorates our table
Funny how the cracks don't seem to show
Pour the wine dear
You say we'll take a holiday
But we never can agree on where to go
Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
How can I when you build a great wall around you
In your eyes I saw a future together
You just look away in the distance
China all the way to New York
Maybe you got lost in Mexico
You're right next to me
I think that you can hear me
Funny how the distance learns to grow
Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
How can I when you build a great wall around you
I can feel the distance
I can feel the distance
I can feel the distance getting close
i don't know what that means, but is scares me. i am willing to consider that my over all stress level is having a huge effect on me. i cry listening to the news about this war in iraq. i have people i care about in the middle east, i worry about them. one of my siblings was a reservatist marine and could be called up if need be. i just feel an overall feeling of distance and i dread everything. what does tomorrow bring? what can i do about? and then this feeling that my relationship is finally becoming a victim to the distance when there is light at the end of the tunnel makes me ubelievably sad.
all the plans i could have made seem to be disappearing. my outershell is gone and i'm left with no protection from myself.
i wish i were a pedestrian wolf.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 03/17/2003, 12:17 a.m.
my cat is allergic to vinager, who knew?
Music: calming sound of my own breathing
been feeling pretty good the last couple of days. my SO and i have talked things out and we're back on the path to relationship bliss. of course, for me anyway, the days following a blow up make me nervous. are things really okay? have we solved the problems that were plauging us? or have we shoved things under the rug to rediscover the next time someone decides to look under it? maybe that's just me. i feel that we've talked things through and that things will be alright, but how can i know? i think for the first time the both of us considered ending the relationship. i suppose if you are with someone long enough you have those thoughts. i just would perfer not to have them. i'm worried enough with all my other stresses, i can't begin to truly imagine a life with out my SO. it would be a strange and frightening world without that one person i know i can talk to. of course, i think one of the reasons we had this blow up was because i still don't talk. i stew. i think that whatever it is isn't that important or that s/he wouldn't want to listen to me or perhaps that i'm blowing things out of proportions. all of these reasons are reasons not to talk about 'it', whatever it might be. so, have i learned my lesson?
for the sake of mine and his/her sanity i hope i have.
in other news, i've decided to stop taking a food and exercise diary. i need to learn it is okay to eat, but i need to remember that there is a need to balance that with exercise. today i didn't do my exercises, but i'll start up again tomorrow. besides, all today i was either walking around or cleaning a cabinet in the kitchen.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 03/14/2003, 11:08 a.m.
* awaiting my punishment from the warden
Music: Disturbing quiet broken by sighing
i suppose my trouble started with that dream. it started a worry in me, a fear that maybe my relationship isn't right. and while i'm sure that it is strange, i'm not so sure it is right. it has been feeling odd, tight and military to me lately. i sit, quietly affirmming whatever my SO says while being shut down when offering opinions of my own. i feel like a student and my SO is a teacher. a relationship shouldn't have that sort of power balance. yet, i feel like i am the lesser of the two in my own space.
and i feel punished and admonished when i say anything about it. because while i feel stiffled and stagent, to make that know to my SO is a crime. i've hurt his/her feelings and i'm the bad one. so, i generally keep quiet, tune out my SO to avoid the risk of hurting him/her and punish myself for being the horrible person i am for feeling the way i do.
secertly i have a fantasy world where my SO isn't so 'young' and 'all-knowing', which i accept comes with being young. i'm not that much older, but the hairs on the back of my neck bristle when my SO tells me s/he is so mature for his/her age. perhaps it is my culture that makes me feel this way, but a sign of maturity to me is the overall understanding that you are never truly right, only right for yourself and for that moment. that others are entitled to have their truths and feelings and that because you don't understand them doesn't make them wrong.
i am remembered of a pin my mother gave me when i was a teenager. it said, 'quick, go ask your teenager while they still know everything.' at the time it pissed me off, because i knew i didn't know everything, but i behaved like i did. it seems a right of passage into adulthood, learning that you don't infact know anything. and i am behaving like my mother in one respect, i'm trying to push my SO into that adulthood. but in another i'm acting like prisoner, supporting anything the guard says because my only means of comfort and health come from the guard. a relationship should not be like that.
then there is the up coming move and the expections that i am to fill when it happens. i would be happy to spend several sundays with the family at dinner, but not all of them. i would be happy to spend several saturdays with the family at lunch, but not all of them. i would be happy to go on holiday with the famliy, but not all of them.
i have been fighting for autonomy from my parents for years now, i am not going to give it up to another family when i have just gained it. yes, there are differences in the manner in which my SO and i were raised, and i am willing to incorporate several of his ways into my own; but i am not seeing that same willingness on his/her part. i will not become the fe/male version of my sibling; abondoning my way of life totally because my SO doesn't want to change their way of life to accomidate me.
my eldest silbing is worried about me, feels that i've lived alone to long and may be unwilling to compromise. but i disagree. i think sometimes i don't compromise and just lay down on the ground for people to walk on me. i don't demand my way, i give in. but, when i do ask for a meeting at the half way point, i feel admonished, like i'm asking for the impossible. if i don't learn to stand up for myself against the one person who thinks i do stand up for myself then i will never be happy. it will be total 'yes dear' and no 'how about . . '. i am not a strong person. my personal habits show that loud and clear, i depend on my bulimia to both punish myself and to congratulate myself. if i were a strong person then i wouldn't need it. and even as i type that i know my SO will admonish me for it. it makes me wrong for feeling that way because s/he doesn't agree. my feelings are valid. just as anyone else's feelings are valid. you don't have to agree with them, but don't you dare invalidate them or make that person feel like less of a person for feeling differently than you do.
and stop believing you know people better than they know themselves. or at least stop boasting about it, it's arrogant. do it, don't boast about it.
i'm ready for my caneing now.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 03/13/2003, 01:10 p.m.
How can you have a sinking feeling when you've already sunk to the deepest depth?
Music: Record of the Lodoss Wars - Reincarnation
i feel bad. i feel like a snipping little bitch. i feel like the horrible human being i know i am. which makes being around people that much more difficult. its hard to interact with people when you don't want too or are afraid of what will come out of your mouth.
i suppose that is it. i feel bad. i feel bad for how i treat my siblings and i feel bad for how i treat my SO. i'm just bad.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 03/12/2003, 01:09 p.m.
it is a horrible feeling to be all alone in a crowd of people
Music: yoko kanno - blue (cowboy bebop)
gee, i'm deep. anyway. i'm not sure where my annoyance came from, but man it will not go away. for some reason my SO is driving near batty. the common phrases s/he uses have finally made me snap.
there is one that made me loose it yesterday. ' . . . doesn't know shit about shit.' grrr!!! you can not begin to understand the fire alarms that went off in my head. who are you to validate what someone else thinks or feels? i don't remember you telling me that you were appointed the all-knowing and all-seeing. whomever gets the right to feel or think whatever they like, and guess what; you don't have to understand why. unless you have had the same experiences as him/her you most likely won't. and perhaps people don't agree with him/her, but i am willing to bet that there are as many people who do as those who don't. and yes, you are allowed to have your own way of looking at things and your own way of feeling about things; but it doesn't mean those are the best ways.
i have lived with another human being who would jump all over me because i 'didn't allow people their freedom of thought' but then that person would turn around and dicate how i was to feel. which was always happy, always smiling; i was never really allowed (even though i did it anyway and made a big crying fuss whenever this person would start with me) to be the overly depressed person i really am. so while i can get that maybe you don't understand someone's point of view, i don't get where you get off saying that phrase. it annoys me. it bothers me. it makes me defensive and ready to fight.
i suppose none of that was fair of me. but i don't think i could contain that to my writen journal anymore than i'll be able to contain it to just here. i know relationships are about compromise, but sometimes i feel like i martier myself, bend over backwards to keep from upseting someone until i'll had all i can take and then blow. it isn't the healthiest way to be, but i've yet found a healthy way of life.
i've accepted that i will always be bipolar (however dramatic or not it turns), i will always be a bulimic (however much to binge and purge) and i will always be a passive-agressive person. it makes me a horrible person. but then, you've got to accept what you are.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 03/5/2003, 01:11 p.m.
well, that was a lovely realization.
Music: Rammstein - Mein Herz Brennt
well shit. if i'm on the pill, and i throw up; doesn't that mean i throw up some amount of the hormonoes the pill is delivering to my system to help me prevent pregnancies? yes, i think so. but, i throw up mainly at night, so surely by then the pill have been absorbed by my intestines (bet you thought it happened in the stomach) and i should be in the clear. after all, it takes only about 3 hours for food to move from stomach into the large intestines. yeah? so what, if you think that the whole pill is absorbed instead of a part or remainer of it floating about in your stomach then you are a fool. well, i think i've already made that prefectly clear by having a blog about my little eating disorder.
pay no attention to me. i've just had a discomforting realization. i haven't had sex since january and i'm not pregnant; so as of this moment i don't have to worry. but, once i move closer to my SO i will most likely be having more sex and i really don't feel like being a mommy. but i also don't want to have an abortion because i'm a bulimic. oh this is annoying.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 03/3/2003, 07:01 p.m.
* nightmares and reprecussions
Music: Rammstein - Hallelujah
today i had one of the worst nightmares i've ever had. even worse than my recurring nightmare about my cat. i don't want to talk about the nightmare, but i so upset by it and what it might mean is going on in my head that i'm going to binge.
i'm going to order a large pizza (cheese, cause i hate vommiting the toppings), drink several beers, eat the rest of that pie i ate and purged yesterday. then i'm going to do my exercises and pretending that today never happened.
i can't begin to think what this means. i don't want to. shit. that's all i can say about it now. is shit. maybe when i've got it figured out i can explain this. right now i'm going to run away.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 03/2/2003, 11:51 a.m.
somewhere between okay and not
Music: Kermit the Frog - The Rainbow Connection
what can i say, its been pretty mellow lately. a little unhappy that a job possiblity was shot down. but then again, i didn't get good feelings from me. i have a stack (okay, three) resumes and cover letters all neatly folded waiting to be put in the mail. don't know why i haven't put them in the mail. some part of me doesn't want the rejection i'll be facing. i'm not qualified to even get an entry-level job, how the hell am i suppose to get one with experience?
then there is the little problem of i don't want to work in the area of my degree. i'm really disaffected at this point. i'll work where ever. i don't care. i've got cerdit card bills that need paying off and eventually i'll need a new car; so i'll take whatever job i can find that pays. i think i've even gotten over caring where the job is. i'd perfer to be near my SO, but it may not be possible. well the relationship survive? for how long can it? at the end will it be worth it to try? i hate thinking this way, but unfortunately it comes naturally.
then there is the possibility of working for my SO's parent. i can't begin to say how that scares me. it feels creepy. like the assitant that gets promoted because she is sleeping the the boss or his son. creepy.
i'm stressing out over this. but i need a job. should i really care whether or not my SO gets me a job or my father gets me a job? i think i've gone past the point of being picky. just talk whatever i can and don't care about how you got it. that seems best. after all, no job is forever.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 02/2502003, 08:31 p.m.
ice storm and lazy bones
Music: murder, murder, always murder - from berserk
i'm being unusually lazy right now. i have things that need doing. but instead i'm setting infront of my computer shaming myself for only doing 1km today. i was going to finish the other 2, but my foot started to cramp to the point where i couldn't put weight on it and move the leg at the same time. so, i'm going to shame myself and be happy that i did 1km in under 6 minutes. yeah me.
finished my mockup site, only without content. i'm being unusually lazy about that too. i also need to start learning those damned programs. grrr! i'll get to that later. i have my reasons why i'm not on schedule. like the power outage yesterday that put me behind. i'm make it up tonight or tomorrow.
speaking of schedules, lost 3 pounds this last week. i'm hoping it isn't my usual weight flux and is real honest lose. thinking about it makes me feel guilty that i'm not on the thingie doing my exercise. i suppose today will be a sort of day off, and i'll work out on saturday. i don't want too, but it needs to be done.
i don't have alot more to say, thinking about those cheese sticks in the freezer and how i would love to eat a few. but i'm going going too. instead i'm going to have very boring carrots. yummy.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 02/24/2003, 09:13 p.m.
murder, murder; always murder
Music: murder-berserk
i'm waiting for my body to cool off enough to justify taking a shower. you understand, working out raises the body tempature. so i have to wait a moment before taking a shower. did 6km today and 6 sets of abs and 6 sets of arms (add in the streching and cooldown), so didn't do to badly.
haven't worked on my project at all today. i've been to disjointed to pull myself together. plus today i felt hungry, like a mad woman. just look at all i ate:
here is the odd thing about all that. i didn't get hungry until about 5pm, then i just seemed to eat. ugh. i'm trying hard not to get to special friend ed on this, but i find once i start keeping a food diary i can't help but think i'm eating huge amounts.
the effort to be good about purging is going alright. i find that so long as i do my exercises and i don't allow myself to get too stressed out i don't feel the need to purge. but even if i do i write it down in the food diary. its sort of morbid.
i'm finding it harder and harder to throw up actually. where once it only took one finger its taking two. i have to force the stomach and throat convultions more. i suppose that should be worrying. i suppose i should be freaked out. instead today while i was at the grocery store buying food for this week i had to stop and buy some bandaides. i passed the ipecac syrup and briefly thought about buying it. i walked on past. today, in the here and now, i don't want or need that.
i'm not sure how to say this, but sometimes i wish i hadn't given my SO this address. i feel that sometimes s/he reads this and then makes more of an event about something than i want. i'm not writing here to allow him/her to know about it. i'm writing here to write. somehow it isn't fair that my private blog be used as a marker for how i'm doing. like i have to make it so far before i'm okay. i'm learning to be okay, but i don't think this ever goes away. there is all the relearning and reteaching you can do, but sometimes you have what you have. you make the best of it and move on. there will be good days, weeks and maybe months; but that would be nothing without the bad days, weeks and months. i guess i just don't like being put on trial because of what i write here.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 02/20/2003, 09:23 p.m.
forgot wounds not yet healed over
Music: everything but the girl - walking wound
sometimes i think freud maybe right, maybe women are masotics. but then again, so is everyone else. and everyone is equally a sadist. at least, i hope everyone is. goodness ones i seem to get kicks from certain things that i know karm won't like. i'd like to think it doesn't make me a bad person, but somewhere i think i keep a tally of all my wrongs and my rights to pass judgement on me. i don't know how i'm doing right now, but judging the kicks i'm getting from looking at old blog entries of someone; i'd better do some good works. and soon.
i think about the 'peace' i've found and i wonder if i did indeed find it, or if i'm playing dress up again. in so many ways i place hide and seek with myself, how can i expect myself to be honest with anyone? things are too complicate within my own head to even begin to tell someone else.
my on going exercise binge is an attempt to block my mind from thinking about certain things. i wonder if my hopes for this dream i have to come true are wasted. i don't like being hopeful, gets you into problems and situations that if you had been thinking you could plan for. so, tomorrow i'm dusting off my c.v. and sending it to three contract positions. none of them are where i want them to be, but that can't be helped. i need a job by the end of may, i can't wait for my SO to help me. i know he/she means well, buthe/she can't be expect to understand my stress over this.
i'm tired. my legs are cramping up and my head hurts. i'm hoping that tomorrow picks up. should, send in a few c.v.'s and then because i'm going out saturday i'm going to tack on another 3km (for a grand total of 9km). to help burn off the calores from the booze. i wonder how i'm going to keep up my food diary while out. that is going to look funny. oh well. i don't care. maybe go to the bathroom. i don't know. shit. this isn't turning into an ed thing. my special friend, you know, ed. ha! should make a new layout for this place called that!
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 02/16/2003, 10:14 p.m.
the loosing card i'll someday lay
Music: marc copeland - suicide is painless
i've decided that i have to be comfortable in my own body. that means i don't want my thighs touching each other when i walk. i can't take that. 165-175 is my weight goal. that means 20-30 pounds must be shed. it isn't that much. it isn't that hard. i can loose weight if i just think about what i'm eating and what i'm doing. too much sitting in a car, not enough moving. too much fatty and high caloire food without consideration for what it many be doing to me. i hate this body like this. i remember when i lost that 10 pounds last fall, i felt physically better. i don't even know how i did it. but i know that i didn't do it by eating the crap i've been eating lately.
i have to cut my intake and boost my output. why is that so hard for me? and i know that purging doesn't help. i've never been about to absolutely empty my stomach. so i never know how much food i've digested. this just can't work. argh! i hate how i work. my mind is fucked up. really really fucked up.
so, i've decided that 6 days out of the week i'll do 30 minutes (in fifteen minutes intervals) of somesort of cardio, two sets of abs workout, and two sets of arms. that should help me out. plus if i have a bad for me treat, i have to do another 15 minutes of cardio to work it off. which means i need to do another 15 for that serving of ben and jerry's i ate about an half hour ago. argh! maybe another abs and arms. i hate this bullshit.
and i think that weighting 135 is way too low for some one of my height. sweet jesus! that is horrible.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 02/16/2003, 01:23 p.m.
cold feet+cold nose=cold heart?
Music: dave burbeck - take five extended
been a little bit of a time sense i posted here. what can i say, i got involved in my life again. sometimes i hate when that happens. been trying hard not to binge and trying equally hard to stick to an exercise schedule. plus i'm trying to prove that the exercise isn't for weight loss, but rather because it does boost my enegry. and somehow or another it clears my head so i can think better. all of this has been tested and "proven" by the annuals of some fitness twit, but i still hate every moment.
i need to update my info on this page, cause i'm not longer 23, but 24. have been for almost a month now. ack! oh well.
last night was fairly bad. ordered a medium pizza (which i promised myself i would no longer do, but i did it anyway) with the intentions of just eating to slices and then putting it away. it turned into an unplanned binge and purge. i ate about half of it, was disgusted with myself and purged that half. then i felt ashamed and ate the other half. then purged it as well. i kept on saying, 'why am i eating? i ate an artichoke just twenty minutes ago. i shouldn't be hungry. i shouldn't be eating.' i seem to have problems with my shoulds and shouldn'ts. *sigh*.
at the very least school is going well. test tomorrow, i'm not worried. i have to say that i'm not worried about alot of things. not because i shouldn't be worried, not because i couldn't spend the energy on it; but because i've just gotten sick of worrying. at this point, i don't really care about the outcome. been learning about helplessness and hopelessness in one of my courses; and while the prof is talking all i can think is 'i know how that feels.' not in the context that she is talking about. i'm not battered by a SO; but rather my university. i just take whatever they give and say thank you. they have the authority to do whatever they please, while i'm stuck just putting out my hands to be slapped. it isn't right. i look at all the ways women are placed in postions of subservence and it makes me sick. but while it makes me sick; i feel like i can't do anything about my own position. why? why does everything i have to do be okayed by someone else first? and why do i get the feeling that no matter if the decision is made by a male or a female my own sex will be a deciding facter?
sometimes i feel like banging my head against a brick wall until i stop feeling the pain anymore.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 01/29/2003, 10:24 p.m.
first episode of the year is near
Music: berserk - gats
i feel aggressive and irratated. i can't seem to hold my attention on anything. i've been trying to write, but i can't seem to stay still long enough. i spent about twenty minutes on the floor rocking back and forth trying to concentrate. i'm annoyed. i feel like i need to do something.
damn it, i hate this. this is what i want to get rid of. i can take the depression and the mania; its this that i can't take. of course, if i brews long enough it will go into a manic phase.
i know people say i shouldn't be aware of what is going on. that it is all subconscious and that i must be faking it if i know what is happening. i didn't always know. but its been going like this, about 4 or 3 times a year for a few years, so i know the pattern. i know the pattern better know that i've started reading a book about it.
i have a test monday. no fun. can't study. can't think. i want to fight. i want to physically beat someone. i think i should go to bed if i knew i would sleep. but instead i'll just toss and turn endlessly. nothing i can do.
i have no hope.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 01/20/2003, 10:16 p.m.
sometimes, i forget who i am
Music: lodoss wars - saka sama no niji
just recently i've had this creeping feeling of depression. it comes and it goes, oh how it comes and it goes. i've been so restless lately, and today i'm just no interested in anything. i'm tired to boot. and fat. tired and fat. always a lovely combination. been thinking about things that depress me. and some other things that just recently came into mind.
i've been wondering if i'm intolerant. do i follow the same sort of bullshit that i find horrid in other people. namely 'i'll tolerate your beliefs so long as the mirror my own.' am i that sort of person? i suppose in some ways everyone is. but, there is a border and a limit to it, am i above and beyond this limit so far that i can't see how big of a hypocrit i am? this worries me.
and why is it so difficult for me to keep and maintain friendships? do i walk over people? do i give them no room to be themselves and demand that they fit themselves to me? with no give on my side? am i really as overbearing as i feel right now? i know i'm not a good person, but i would like to think that i make an effort to be a somewhat likible human being. i suppose not though.
i know that for me, i have to accept that i am a mean person. i can be so cruel that my inner voice (for lack of a better term) is shocked and telling me not to do whatever it is i'm doing. when my mother lived with me i was constantly fighting with her and when we spend much time around each other it ends up in a fight. but i'm older now, i don't live with her and it seems like i got out of my way to find people to fight with. i pick fights. i harass and i'm cruel to people who i partially know can't stand up to it. i'm rarely like that with my SO. i think that's because i know s/he wouldn't put up with it. but these people that once were my 'friends' i trounce on. and what makes me sick is that once i get control over myself again i have to apologize for it, and i know that there comes a time when people have had all that they will take and tell me to fuck off. i'm thinking that might be the case with one such friend that i trounced on. s/he hasn't responded to the two emails i sent off. i said in my last one that i would not try to contact her/him again and that if i didn't hear from them i hoped they had a good life. i hate apologizing.
on the other side, it seems that other situtations have been calmed down. which is good for the digestive system.
i feel like something is wrong with me lately. but i don't know what. tomorrow school starts, only not for me. wednesday will be my first day of class. yeah for me. blah.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 01/14/2003, 10:32 a.m.
Thank goodness for small favors.
Music: Billy Idol - Eyes without a face
not much put into this 'friendship' so nothing lost. and i can go back to my usual self. so i'm just going to try and do something that has never been easy for me, i'm just going to let it go.
writer's block is being a pain in the ass. but i don't know how ot get over it. and i'm getting a touch annoyed, because i don't want to loose creative control over my stories. i don't know, it some ways it is a couple's effort; but they are based on my daydreams. and so i'm a little overly protective of them.
i've been binging again. no purging, but binging does its own damage, mostly in my head. yesterday i ate two bags of jerky, i'm pretty sure that can't be good. and the only reason i'm not purging is my degistive track is still not so good. i suppose i should do something about it, but i just don't know what.
i over slept today. i was going to get up at 8, but didn't get up until 10. i suppose i can look at it as i didn't go to sleep until 2, so i needed those hours of sleep. but i know i didn't.
today i'm going to try and get past my writer's block. i don't know how, but i'll try anyway. i think the first step would be to get dressed and feed the animals. that would probably make them happy. ^_^
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 01/13/2003, 05:18 p.m.
Mistakes once made can never be undone
Music: Tori Amos - Lovesong (Aching Heart Mix)
damn it. just god damn it. i knew when i did it it was a bad idea. a really bad idea. and now, now i have this minor problem with someone i should have never talked to. well, okay; calming myself down now. i wasn't here for the messages, so at least i didn't have to deal with it then. thank goodness for small favors, and i can always pretend that i'm not at the computer. i don't know why s/he thinks that his/her so talking to me about his/her mental issues is going to do any good for anyone. why can s/he do the talking? of course, s/he could always do some major talking without ever saying anything of importance. and whenever i tried to say something i was cut off for more moaning about what a horrible person s/he was. just damn it!!!!
oh that person is enough to drive me to drink. hey then i could have something else to bitch about in this blog. i bought a handbook today for writers. actually i ordered it, because they didn't have it in stock; the wankers. see if i can get myself published. pie in the sky.
speaking of that, i've been staring at the computer screen again. at night when i'm waiting to sleep i can think up good plots and movements; but awake i'm useless. really really useless. its a small wonder only my so likes my stuff. oh well. right, off to binge on sugar and maybe nachos.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 01/12/2003, 08:50 p.m.
I think there is an icicle hanging off my nose
Music: ayumi hamasaki - a song for XX
my house is cold. and empty. in some ways its a relief. i can only take being around a large group of people for so long before i loose it. i suppose i'm a hermit in that way. but i think everyone knows that.
a touch under the weather actually, but it gives me a great excuse to eat whatever i like, because it isn't staying in my system long enough to do any damage. of course, my muscles are all screaming in soreness and stiffiness. hopefully a few nights on my own bed will put my back back to rights.
i wish i could get ahold of a person that i told off. it was rash and i was angry; i know that. i think i knew it when i was doing it, but at those moments my rational side can't get out. it was childish of me. i sent an email, but i'm not sure if s/he got it. i suppose i could try again and then whatever is is. i don't want to leave a comment at their site because honest i don't want others messing with it. i think others have messed with enough of my online friendships to be given a chance to mess with it again.
i don't know what i'm going to do. about anything. that steady feeling that everything is going to dissolve away and i'll be left holding nothing but empty dreams is always around me. i think i'm dying. maybe not in the mortal sense of the word, but i think some part of me is dying. i'm getting older and i have no dream, no goal and no desires really. i have no talent and i watch these people around me with talent and dreams and goals and i wonder why i bother. what am i doing? and if i am doing nothing, why can't i seem to find something to do? it seems like the only things i'm good at doing is feeding myself beyond belief to throw it up again and bothering people because i'm depressed about the way my life is going. my life, which i ought to have some measure of control over.
i like being on holiday, when i'm on holiday i don't have to think about my problems. i can block them out, but when i get home their always waiting for me. their like trolls that sit by the door waiting for me. waiting for me like my cats wait for me; only they jump on my back and start to dig into me, grabbing hold of my bones and muscles and make sure i know there is no escape from them. they'll always be right there waiting for me. sure, i can leave them for a week or maybe two; but you have to come home sometime. sometime. you can't run forever. because sooner or later some place becomes home. and then they are there ready to jump on you.
maybe i'll draw that. my demons. waiting for me. i have no where to go. i'm hopeless.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 12/30/2002, 02:43 p.m.
big problems in little china
Music: Tori Amos - Black Swan
oh what have i done. oh well, i can be hard to find and as i can pick and choose when to reply to im's it might be okay. of course, one moments weakness can destory a nation. how weak can i be? oh lets see, the game have just started. lets see how badly i loose, shall we?
whatelse for today? picked up my puppy for the kennel, very happy to have her home with me. we went outside and played go get it for a bit. the yard is a mess, but hopefully it will be taken care of soon.
i feel like i'm sinking. i know i can wear a mask and make believe, but i'm feeling tired and old. i have no hope. i have no dreams. and all i'm left with is my depression, my isolation and my suicidal tendencies. not a good mix i'm afraid. of course, i also feel like there is something horrible underneith my skin, a monster. that sounds trite. but sometimes when i'm just letting my mind go i think the most horrible things. but i get a thrill from them, like the feeling i get right before i'm going on a dive or a drive. that sudden attack of thrills that you can't say no to. i could do the most awful things, and not just verbal things. i would be a killer. i feel it. and i sometimes ask myself why not. i have not problem with random murder, so long as you don't get caught. they say the problem with psychopaths is they want to get caught. but what happens when you don't want to get caught? make every killing different, no pattern, people you don't know, never the same method; what then? i think i have to write a story about such a killer. it would be interesting.
i think i need to make a new layout for one of my sites. maybe after a nap i'll do that. maybe.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 12/29/ 2002, 11:41 p.m.
home again and home again, clip-it-tee-clop
Music: Ayumi Hamasaki - independent
nothing to say really, home. wide awake. stinky. and a little cold. boo!
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 12/28/2002, 07:48 a.m.
Henna and Pub Grub
Music: The down stairs CD player - the CD I gave my Mother
well, short entry because i still need to take a shower today. hotmail is being very very bad, and not allowing me to see i have any emails from my SO, but as s/he hasn't emailed me since i got here; i'll not hold me breath. (that's alright deary).
going to go have my hands hennaed today. that should really piss off my boss back home. but i'm not going to wild, just a little for something fun. then meeting father at the pub for lunch (strong bow cider, rock on) and then home to lazy about and pack. dinner well be really good, leg of lamb. excellent. well, i suppose i should stop lazying about right now, i smell like i've slept. so, off i go for a shower.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 12/27/2002, 08:03 a.m.
You know things are what they are when you realize that they were never and never will be
Music: Morning Traffic - Assorted BMWs, Audi's and Toyota's
what they are suppose to be.
don't have too much to say right now. been playing a pissing contest over who can be the bigger asshole. to be sure i'm winning. i would post a link, but i'm just as happy having this blog remain with no link in and no link out (expect for the pitas.com link of course). but i am constantly amazed by one person's stupidity and another's lack of understanding. to think that s/he and i were together for such a period of time only to find out that when it came down to it, they learned nothing about who i am. nothing. it makes me sad. i suppose i should know better than to think s/he would have any idea about me. oh well. from this point on, no more contact. there's no point. sad really. but somewhere deep i now know that s/he never knew me and isn't worth the time to correct him/her on his/her mistakes.
another another note, all of this s/he and him/her and his/her and such is driving me nuts. oh well.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 12/ 26/2002, 02:27 p.m.
There are times you can get away with poking the tigeress with a stick, and then other times she'll just take your
Music: Lodoss Wars - Saka sama niji no
head as compensation.
i am so pissed off. i can't believe that little shit thinks that s/he knows about me and what relationships i have with other people and what i feel towards them. if i ever meet him/her i'll be sure to take his/her head off.
anyway, found persents for my SO's family. took a little time, but it happened. that will be nice, provided i'm over whatever this it. actually, i should be drinking something right now to help the mucus to continue following.
i can feel the stress just washing over me. i hate this. oh well, i think this cold/flu/allergy-gone-bad has helped me loose some weight. who says there isn't anything good about being sick. i've been careful not to eat to much while i'm here, cause i don't want to undo what i've been trying to do with the walking and such.
i don't really have much else to write about right now. i suppose i really ought to get back to rewriting my story.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 12/26/2002, 06:50 a.m.
sweets for the rancid
Music: Ayumi Hamasaki - A song for XX (Ferry Corsten Chilled Mix)
yet another xmas come and gone; the tree is still up but looks so bare with all the presents gone. the day was pretty good, other than my sickness (as a cold would have been gone by now, my parents believe it is an allergy infection). actually, it somewhat colored how dinner proceeded. i couldn't taste anything, so what was the point in eating? good point about that was i wasn't putting unneeded calories into my system.
started rewriting yesterday. i hate reworking things. it isn't my strong suit. oh well. i spoke with mother about wanting to publish this, she gave some suggestions. also told me that the first chapter was all that was needed to get an okay from a publishing company. i think i've gone past that. just a little past it anyway.
i also told them i'm having major problems deciding what i want to do in life, and that it is depressing me. told them i need a goal. they said that everyone goes through that, and more than once. so while i think they understand what it is i'm trying to figure out, they don't understand what it is doing to me. how can one person feel so lost? feel like i'm in an ocean swell and all around me are people with hopes and dreams and i have none. i want to create, some might say that is the mother in me (which i argue i have none of that at all, everyone wants to make something). but what i make i can delete with the click of a button. i want to make something real, something you can touch and know that it is there. a book, a painting, something. someday, i'll make something real.
i'm thinking up a new book idea right now. something not so epic as my other two. but before i can even begin to think about it, i have to finish at least the first part of the series. that's just how it is. should be easier with the laptop, writing on the go. i'll get this done. i'll finish this. then i'll go to the library and find that book that tells me how to get it published and then i'll start working on it. i will do this. i have to.
don't know what else to say. then i'll say ttfn for now.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 12/24/2002, 07:42 a.m.
Jetlag and Funny Keyboards
Music: Dell OpitPlex GX1 - Computer Hum
i made it, i'm alive and well (sorta anyway). Still coughing my head off and wishing i wasn't; but there isn't much i can do about that. my soon to be laptop is having a low level format run on its 10gig drive, hopefully that will correct some of the problems. whatelse. . . a not friend's father passed away, i'm not sure what i ought to do here. i felt my condolences, but beyound that there isn't much else i can do. one suitcase got lost, but it will be here soon, so no problems. well, i need to take a shower and i don't really have much else to say, so i'm off.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 12/18/2002, 07:44 p.m.
Hard to believe in
Music: Yoko Kanno - Moon
i suppose i can understand. from him/her point of view i seem to change my mind to frequently keep up with. but really, nothing changes, just the mood i'm in. forgiving, hateful, apologitic, criminalizing, sweet, vile; but my desire never changes. i wish the s/he would grow up, get it together and understand what it is about him/her that makes certain people flock to him/her. s/he wants to understand, i suppose that is impossible. because at the heart of it i don't understand. i want the best for him/her, but i want nothing to do with him/her directly. fairly sad really.
i'm going to start writing again, as soon as i've finished with this entry. don't know which one i'm going to write on first, perhaps the one that is closest to being finished. that sounds like a good idea. without school in the way i ought to be about to write and find my creativity again; as it has been lost for quite some time. well, perhaps i've been putting it to other uses. i helped a friend think up a a project with the theme of humans using resources around them. my idea was to go about and see which areas had the most outragous x-mas lights displays and see if there was a corelation between property value and lights display. i thought it would have been a good porject if she had had time for it.
meanwhile, i'm trying my best not to think about having to go see my parents for x-mas. it isn't that long, i'm sure i can keep my mouth shut for that time. then to work, then to holiday with my SO. i'm looking forward to that. alot.
started with my metabolic workout today. i liked it, but as a whole i can see this getting really boring. maybe i should go take up kickboxing again. that was fun. then again, i was thinking that belly dancing could be really really interesting. i think i need to remeasure my steps. my pedometer said i walked 3.72 km; but i don't think that is right. oh well, measuring your footsteps width by yourself isn't easy. and the fact that you are measuring your footstep makes you super conscious of that fact and then your steps are normal. at all. argh! no good. oh well. i suppose i'm going to go chug my cough meds and make a pot of tea and then write until i can't see straight anymore. yeah me.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 12/18/2002, 11:36 a.m.
Mucus and Sweat
Music: Sasha - Expander
well, finished my walk just now. excellent. all sweaty and coughing up green mucus. lovely i know. i'm actually going to go to the market and look for something that might help with this. shock! dismay! more or less, i've taken all i can take with out some sort of relief.
trying to call my parents, but with the time difference and their schedule i haven't been able to get ahold of them yet. oh well. they would call me, but their call back service (cheaper rate) haven't been moved to the new house yet, so its up to me. great.
i've been thinking that i ought to explain why i called this life and love: the diary of an addict. the only thing i'm seem really addicted to is unhappiness and depression. but it really isn't that. in so many ways bulimia becomes more than just a coping mechanism or a vain attempt at weight loss; but becomes this thing you have to do to make it through. "just one more time, that's it. then i'll stop." could be said by a smoker, heroin addict or by me. anyway, i thought i should clear this up for everyone.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 12/17/2002, 03:04 p.m.
Coughing and Chocking; all at the same time
Music: Sasha - Expander
well, the cough i aquired at the beginning of finals has come into its own and is doing its very best to make my life uncomfortable. i must say, it is doing a rather good job. if i had hired this cough, i would be giving it a raise right about now. of course, i didn't hire this cough, nor do i really want it; so i'm doing my best to get rid of it. too bad all north american meds for coughs blow.
i've started walking again in the mornings with my dog. i've made a decision to try and be more active. walking will turn in to jogging, but not into running. my knees can't take it. i've also started up the yoga again. being limber has always been important to me, and as of late i've been feeling really stiff. so, here to to trying to be in better health.
working today, but i'm not looking forward to it by any means. also been searching around for a small floppy disk so i can take my stories and cv on holiday with me. thinking about making an entry on my public blog too. not sure what i want to say, but if i do i no one will notice so there isn't too much to loose. right, i'm off to get ready to think about getting ready for work. go me.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 12/11/2002, 10:28 p.m.
Stomach Cramping and Exam Phobia
Music: Ayumi Hamasaki - A song for XX (Ferry Corsten Chilled Mix)
well, tomorrow is my first exam of final exams. no fun. its at 7pm. that's truly uncalled for in my opinion. i've been attemping to get ahold of my SO, so we can talk early and i can go to bed. no luck. oh well, no matter what i'm getting up at 5am tomorrow, getting myself to the campus and studying away from this house. i also have to get ahold of a few people about study groups. no fun there either. oh well. it will all be over on saturday.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 12/10/2002, 10:58 p.m.
Haircolor and Mulled Cider
Music: Cyndi Lauper - Eventually
got my cut and dyed today. i like how the red looks about my face. selfish and vain, i know. but it is perhaps one of my only selfish and vain aspects; so i'll keep it for what it is worth.
my dog threw up in my bed last night, so i've had to move into my parents bed (they don't live in this house; i'm the caretaker while i go to school). i hate sleeping in that room when i'm alone. when my SO visited i didn't mind, because it wasn't my parents bed while we slept in it. now its my pets and me in there. seems lonely.
studying for exams is being difficult. i don't know why. i mean, i've been going over flash cards and study notes and review sheets, but my direction is somewhere else. i can't pinpoint it, but it isn't where it really needs to be. i have got to pull it together. and soon.
i've been fighting this urge to contact someone i really know i can't. and by can't i mean i would be sucked into the dark underworld that is my depression. not that i'm not standing at the edge anyway. maybe that's why. maybe i'm looking for something to start me off so i can start and finish with it before january. maybe its the holidays. maybe is the upcoming trips. maybe its just time. who knows how my brain works and whay chemicals it is pumping through it. oh well.
got my father's persent in today. still haven't gotten his tablet pc. argh. and i just thought that i should most likely unwrap the presents my aunt sent because if i get searched they'll be openned anyway. stupid cow. oh well.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 12/9/2002, 07:58 p.m.
Growing Pains and Disillustionment
Music: Aimee Man - Save me
i'm not sure where i went wrong, but i'm fairly sure somewhere along the way i took a wrong turn. i stopped having hope and dreams to work for and then i just stopped. i feel like a rock that's been eroded, a pluton that was happy under the ground and far away from the pressures of being on the surface; only to be subjected to the elements. torn apart bit by bit until nothing is what it was. oh well. i suppose i need to stop lamenting for what was and start working towards what will be. that's all very well and good; but could someone please tell me how to do that? i don't know and i'm so confused.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 12/9/2002, 02:10 p.m.
OCD
Music: Lodoss Wars - Saka Sama No Niji
i started packing today. just want to get everything taken care of before i have to study and get ready for exams. took a look at my tickets, i leave on the 21st, not the 20th. so i can work the 19th and 20th. more money i suppose.
received gifts from my aunt today to take to oman with me. i don't think any of them understand a damned thing. if they all send "little" gifts then i can't fit my things in there. as it is, my only carryon i'm allowed will have my father's new tablet pc and my tolieteries because i have a layover. to top that off the airlines have changed their rules on weight, my bags cannot weight more than fifty pounds each. i can tell you right now that the suitcase packed by my mother weights about seventy pounds. that's twenty-five dollars *i'll* have to pay to bring her crap to her. and my aunt ignored my request not to get gifts, just cash. i don't have room for anymore shit. i hate this house with all its shit pulled up and stacked everywhere. i can't take it much more. my own flat or whatever will never ever get like this. nothing is scared. i'll throw it away in a heart beat. and beyound that; do i really need a god damned craved soapstone soapdish with soaps that look like rocks? no. i hate it. i threw it in a draw in mother's desk. she can have it. i don't want it. i don't want anything from anyone in my family. nothing. they can keep their money and shit. just keep it.
i ate today. fried chicken. not so smart. my stomach is already starting to feel ill. not to mention i can't seem to get warm. i just keep on shaking. i've turned up the thermosat, but my hands, nose and feet are still cold. and my shoulders are starting to hurt from hunching over. i'm tried. i suppose i should go finish making my cd and then fold my laundary.
The Addict has such deranged thoughts on 12/8/2002, 11:06 p.m.
food and alcohol
Music: Bjork - All is Full of Love (Plaid Remix)
i am a bulimic. i eat until i feel ill and throw up. it relieves stress. if only for a moment. sometimes the moment is enough to get me through. lately it isn't. i've been so unhappy.
today was a bottle of wine and part of a pizza. actually, i ate two pieces of pizza. after that (and a bag of chips) i felt ill and purged (polite way of saying i threw it up). i felt a little better. then i took a hot bath cause i felt really cold.
i told my SO today about my recent problems and solutions. s/he wasn't judgemental, which helped greatly. but this overwhelming feeling of failure is setting on me, squashing me and draining me dry. there is no hope. i don't know. i just don't know.